Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Reds Killers

There are three types of Reds killers.

You know them well:

1) Unknowns who kill Reds pitching and Reds pitching only, or shut down the Reds offense and look like Cy Young for a night. Anthony Reyes is a good example. Brett Tomko is not.

2) Former Reds: This category has two subcategories:

a) Oh Yeah, I'm a Baseball Player: Austin Kearns, Felipe Lopez, Ryan Franklin, Rick White, and on and on and on -- guys that couldn't get it together in a Reds uniform, but upon donning someone else's, suddenly remember how to play the game...but only against the Reds.

b) Whew! No More Pressure To Be As Good As I Am: Let's face it. Reds history is littered with players who had unrealized potential in a Reds uniform, or guys that never got a chance because Reds scouts are dumb mother fuckers, and as soon as they left, suddenly, baseball immortality. I'll grant you Paul O'Neill was good in a Reds uniform, but when he went to New York, suddenly his bat was as wide as a surfboard and his batting average jumped 110 points. One can only assume that if Eric Milton or Ken Griffey, Jr. ever leave Cincinnati, Milton will become a Cy Young candidate and Griffey will not suffer another injury of any kind in his life. He'll also be able to hit with the bases loaded and not only surpass Hank Aaron, but Sadaharu Oh and Jesus Christ for most homers. Those are examples of unrealized potential. Guys that never got a chance include Trevor Hoffman, Paul Konerko, Jeff Montgomery, and Brendan Harris to name a few. Idiotic sportswriters will look at the current Reds roster and ask dumb questions like "Where would he play?" as if that question really needs a response. For a team with no closer, a platoon at first base, and a combination of no offense from Juan Castro and 9 errors on Alex Gonzalez (more than he made all of last season), I have some ideas. At the very least, if they had no place to play here, the GM could've gotten something in return.

3) People the Reds really should start walking, but simply don't, because Boone/Miley/Narron is a genius. Lance Berkman (39 career homers), Albert Pujols (29 career homers), and Bill Hall (14 career homers) are examples of star players whose Christlike ability is somehow magnified even more vs. Cincinnati in all offensive categories -- mainly because the Reds are stupid and can't follow statistics closely enough to see patterns -- simple ones such as "Albert Pujols kills us every time" or "We make Bill Hall look like Babe Ruth."

Let's open this up and see if anyone is actually reading this blog. Reds killers. Name some.


glenn said...

John, you left off your all time favorite player and bonafide Reds killer...

Jim Edmonds.

Aaron said...

Derek Lee for the Cubs, has killed us time and again. I remember one game Narron didn't walk him and of course he homered and Narron's explanation was that Jeromy Burnitz (on deck) is a pretty good hitter too. Those were immortal words. Lee hit 46 homers that year.

I think Carlos Lee has begun to hit us pretty good too in recent seasons, but for some reason I never take that guy too seriously. He looks too round to me to be a ballplayer.

Based on this season I'd put Chase Utley on the list but he is well protected. Jason Bay always has magic in his bat against us.